Big Me
Went to the doctor today, and sure enough, it was true and not just a fluke:
I've gained 10 pounds in the last few months.
For a long time, some years in fact, I've been solidly consistent at 275 pounds (fully clothed), but for the second weighing in a row, the display showed 285-point-something pounds (still fully clothed). That's a place I haven't been at for about 17 years.
Before I went to live and serve as a missionary in Russia, I weighed 285 pounds. After just six months in Russia, I dropped to 235 pounds, thanks to a LOT of walking, less eating, and less eating McDonald's (where I had worked the previous three years). I came back to the USA at around the same weight - 235 - where I slowly and passively worked my way back up to 275.
Now, 285.
I've had thoughts while on my 275 plateau of "I know I'm obese, but at least I'm not at my pre-Russia weight." Welp, there goes THAT little brag.
I don't know to what level body chemistry or "big-bone-ness" or genetics or DNA play in my size. Neither of my parents are obese, though my dad's had weight fluctuations for a while, due in large part to diabetes. More on that - diabetes - in a sec.
I do know that I'm way more of the "an object at rest" part of the inertia equation. I do know that I love to eat. GREAT GUMBO, do I love to eat! But not gumbo. It's okay, just not my favorite. I love to eat sugar. Little Debbie and Ben and Jerry and Mars and Murrie are some of my best friends in the world. I love them dearly. Carbs are wonderful, amazing things. They are my happy place. Bread, dairy, cookies, cake, ice cream, cupcakes, cheese...it's all divine.
TL; DR - I'm lazy and in love with food, especially the carbs kind of food.
That's a problem. Not just because I'm heavy, but because I'm also diabetic. I got diagnosed a number of years ago - Type 2, the kind where your pancreas either doesn't quite hit its insulin quota or where your body and insulin don't really get along. So I don't take insulin, but I do take several medications. My diabetes is basically under control - my doctor's not worried - but I confess I think I'm closer to the edge of losing that control.
Because I can't stop eating. And eating not great stuff. And I can't stop not exercising.
Okay, let's back up a bit. It's not completely horrible.
Tamara does a great job of cooking meals that are delicious and healthy enough (not plain chicken and plain broccoli, but not deep-fried everything either). She pushes salads and vegetables on me regularly, and I comply because I'm an adult.When we eat out, I sometimes choose vegetables for my side. So I'm not the worst.
We have a dog, and he needs walks, and I do 98% of the walking, so for that reason I am somewhat active on a daily basis. And I've been trying to do longer walks, which our neighborhood makes rather easy. But arthritis is another problem I deal with in life, and that makes it tough to even do short walks some days.
So I know I need to eat fewer carbs. Who doesn't, right? It's just that I love them so much. Who doesn't, right?
But Steve! Eat more protein! You'll feel more full!
I have no problem with protein. I like meat and nuts and eggs and dairy and all that. But I've never noticed a "more full" feeling when I eat, say, more protein-filled snacks or meals, and that makes it hard to convince my brain and stomach that this will actually work. Now, it may just be that my snacking habits tell me I'm hungry when I'm not, and that's contributing to this "filler-up protein problem," but I don't know for sure.
But Steve! Eat more vegetables! They're basically a free food!
See, the thing is I have kind of a Cold War relationship with vegetables. I'm not at open war with them - I'll eat them, but I don't like them, so it's hard to get excited or motivated to eat more of them. Just eating the minimum is a chore.
But Steve! Just eat an apple or chew gum to get your "sweet fix!"
An apple is not an Oatmeal Cream Pie. Gum is not a bag of M&M's. It's not just that I want something sweet, it's that I want a snack cake or regular cake or cookies or pie or ice cream. And I want a lot of them all the time. Literally all the time.
But Steve! Just-
Let me stop you there. We have a treadmill. It's collecting dust right now. Because even though I can walk/jog in climate-controlled conditions, I sweat easily, and it's not easy to find a time, except on weekends, when I can exercise and THEN shower. I already get up at 6 am and don't have time for it - waking up earlier is just hard and not enticing at all.
But Steve!
There are dozens of But Steves to quibble about. It all comes back to my love of carbs, my lack of motivation for exercise and my disinterest for healthy foods I don't find enjoyable.
Do I want to change? Yes, I do. I watch my favorite TV show, "American Ninja Warrior," and somewhere in the quiet corner of my brain I wonder how awesome it would be to compete or even be able to audition to compete. But then I remember my weight and arthritis and laziness and think "I'll never even get close to that." I do want to change, because I don't want to die early or from something I could have easily prevented if I wasn't such a doofus. I want to be around to travel with Tamara or tease my nieces and nephews or serve more Church missions.
Change is so very hard. But I guess I need to try anyway.
I don't know why I'm writing this, I just have felt for some time like putting this on paper....or blog, as the case may be. Maybe you have suggestions, maybe you can just eat a Swiss Cake Roll in solidarity with me.
In either case, thanks for reading.
I've gained 10 pounds in the last few months.
For a long time, some years in fact, I've been solidly consistent at 275 pounds (fully clothed), but for the second weighing in a row, the display showed 285-point-something pounds (still fully clothed). That's a place I haven't been at for about 17 years.
 |
| Mission beginning (May 2002), I'm second from left. Weight: 285 lbs |
Before I went to live and serve as a missionary in Russia, I weighed 285 pounds. After just six months in Russia, I dropped to 235 pounds, thanks to a LOT of walking, less eating, and less eating McDonald's (where I had worked the previous three years). I came back to the USA at around the same weight - 235 - where I slowly and passively worked my way back up to 275.
 |
| End of mission (April 2004), I'm back row, second from left. Weight: 235 lbs |
Now, 285.
I've had thoughts while on my 275 plateau of "I know I'm obese, but at least I'm not at my pre-Russia weight." Welp, there goes THAT little brag.
I don't know to what level body chemistry or "big-bone-ness" or genetics or DNA play in my size. Neither of my parents are obese, though my dad's had weight fluctuations for a while, due in large part to diabetes. More on that - diabetes - in a sec.
I do know that I'm way more of the "an object at rest" part of the inertia equation. I do know that I love to eat. GREAT GUMBO, do I love to eat! But not gumbo. It's okay, just not my favorite. I love to eat sugar. Little Debbie and Ben and Jerry and Mars and Murrie are some of my best friends in the world. I love them dearly. Carbs are wonderful, amazing things. They are my happy place. Bread, dairy, cookies, cake, ice cream, cupcakes, cheese...it's all divine.
TL; DR - I'm lazy and in love with food, especially the carbs kind of food.
That's a problem. Not just because I'm heavy, but because I'm also diabetic. I got diagnosed a number of years ago - Type 2, the kind where your pancreas either doesn't quite hit its insulin quota or where your body and insulin don't really get along. So I don't take insulin, but I do take several medications. My diabetes is basically under control - my doctor's not worried - but I confess I think I'm closer to the edge of losing that control.
Because I can't stop eating. And eating not great stuff. And I can't stop not exercising.
Okay, let's back up a bit. It's not completely horrible.
Tamara does a great job of cooking meals that are delicious and healthy enough (not plain chicken and plain broccoli, but not deep-fried everything either). She pushes salads and vegetables on me regularly, and I comply because I'm an adult.When we eat out, I sometimes choose vegetables for my side. So I'm not the worst.
We have a dog, and he needs walks, and I do 98% of the walking, so for that reason I am somewhat active on a daily basis. And I've been trying to do longer walks, which our neighborhood makes rather easy. But arthritis is another problem I deal with in life, and that makes it tough to even do short walks some days.
 |
| My current exercise plan |
So I know I need to eat fewer carbs. Who doesn't, right? It's just that I love them so much. Who doesn't, right?
But Steve! Eat more protein! You'll feel more full!
I have no problem with protein. I like meat and nuts and eggs and dairy and all that. But I've never noticed a "more full" feeling when I eat, say, more protein-filled snacks or meals, and that makes it hard to convince my brain and stomach that this will actually work. Now, it may just be that my snacking habits tell me I'm hungry when I'm not, and that's contributing to this "filler-up protein problem," but I don't know for sure.
But Steve! Eat more vegetables! They're basically a free food!
See, the thing is I have kind of a Cold War relationship with vegetables. I'm not at open war with them - I'll eat them, but I don't like them, so it's hard to get excited or motivated to eat more of them. Just eating the minimum is a chore.
 |
| Meet my USSR: Union of Stupid, Semi-flavored Radishes |
But Steve! Just eat an apple or chew gum to get your "sweet fix!"
An apple is not an Oatmeal Cream Pie. Gum is not a bag of M&M's. It's not just that I want something sweet, it's that I want a snack cake or regular cake or cookies or pie or ice cream. And I want a lot of them all the time. Literally all the time.
But Steve! Just-
Let me stop you there. We have a treadmill. It's collecting dust right now. Because even though I can walk/jog in climate-controlled conditions, I sweat easily, and it's not easy to find a time, except on weekends, when I can exercise and THEN shower. I already get up at 6 am and don't have time for it - waking up earlier is just hard and not enticing at all.
But Steve!
There are dozens of But Steves to quibble about. It all comes back to my love of carbs, my lack of motivation for exercise and my disinterest for healthy foods I don't find enjoyable.
Do I want to change? Yes, I do. I watch my favorite TV show, "American Ninja Warrior," and somewhere in the quiet corner of my brain I wonder how awesome it would be to compete or even be able to audition to compete. But then I remember my weight and arthritis and laziness and think "I'll never even get close to that." I do want to change, because I don't want to die early or from something I could have easily prevented if I wasn't such a doofus. I want to be around to travel with Tamara or tease my nieces and nephews or serve more Church missions.
 |
| I want as many moments like this as possible. |
Change is so very hard. But I guess I need to try anyway.
I don't know why I'm writing this, I just have felt for some time like putting this on paper....or blog, as the case may be. Maybe you have suggestions, maybe you can just eat a Swiss Cake Roll in solidarity with me.
In either case, thanks for reading.
Comments
The only way you deal with this *is by accepting you have a problem.* Reading this post, between the lines, you are still not actually admitting that out loud. You know it's true, but won't acceptt that your appetite is the issue, *and only you can solve that.* It is difficult and scary but as you know yourself, if it isn't dealt with, the consequences really could kill you.
As a recovering addict, trust me, it is the hardest thing you will do, and the most rewarding simultaneously. Start saying no, and mean it.
All the support in the world is pointless unless YOU change yourself. It starts and ends with you, and if you can't admit that, nothing ever changes. This isn't about trying, but doing, and admitting inside you need help.
So, ask people for help who can alter your diet habits permanently, can change your mindset, and make you truly realise what has to alter. Clear your house of temptation. Make the effort to cook from scratch. Say no to the weekly doughnut you'll get in the office until you hit a weight gain you can sustain.
Work out EXACTLY how many calories you ingest, count them, and then work out how much exercise needs to be done to negate that input.
Set an achievable goal and work towards it.
Most importantly, ask yourself why you are mentally unable to make these life changes when they matter so much.
I <3 you Steve, and you need to rethink your mindset :D
Are you someone who can just eat one? Or are you an all or nothing? If you are the second, then do as Moveable Press says and rid yourself of all sugar until you get to the weight you want to sustain.
When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I took the time and figured out a few breakfast menus that I could enjoy with the correct amount of carbs/fats/protiens. Same with lunches. That way, I didn't have to stop and think everytime I had those meals. It really helped. I also built in ONE cookie for dessert for every lunch. And I do not eat a dessert for dinner. I, however, am someone who CAN just eat one sweet. Then, I stick some gum in my mouth to satisfy that need for more sweet.
Fast Sundays are my FAVORITE because I can eat what I want for my dinner meal.
It really isn't about exercise - (and, with your crazy body, sometimes you simply cannot exercise) It is really all about what you eat.
I wonder if attending an ARP for your eating would be a good idea?
Anyway, just my thoughts.
Love you! Mom