A Temptress Named Debbie
If you know me or follow me on Twitter, you know this is the world's worst-kept secret. So is the fact that my two best and closest and dearest friends are named Ben and Jerry.
The Oatmeal Cream Pie is an invention up there in value to me alongside the television, indoor plumbing, and instant replay in sports. And to experience a pint of Phish Food or The Tonight Dough is to touch the divine.
But like any Faustian bargain, each time I rip open the wrapper or peel away the lid, I'm reminded that my obsession with these and other tempters and minxes isn't great.
You see, I'm 36-point-something years old, I'm a shade under 6'2" and I'm solidly in the 270-275 pound range when I weigh myself at the doctor's office. Based on various "ideal weight" measures, that's well over where I should be. I'm obese. Not severely or morbidly so, but I weigh a lot more than I should.
Add on top of that: I'm diabetic (Type 2) and I have rheumatoid arthritis.
So the reasons I should have to eat healthy and live healthy are abundant. You would have no trouble convincing me that Debbie and Ben and Jerry and their ilk are not really my friends.
But the reasons I do not eat more healthy and live healthy as I should are likewise abundant. I've got more excuses than a sophomore during finals week. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for pity. Maybe I'm looking for suggestions? I don't know. I just feel like I need to write this out and put this out there and maybe help other people struggling with healthy lifestyles that there is at least one other person out there dealing with the same.
I don't lose sleep over it. I don't wring my hands and stew and brew over this issue in my head - maybe I should, but I don't. But from time to time I start to think what change would and could look like and should I try it again and will it work and what if it doesn't work. Those thoughts pass, usually after a Dairy Queen Blizzard or a round of peanut butter M&M's.
One last precursor - I'm doing okay. My diabetes is well in hand (numbers are where they should be for the most part), my arthritis is under control, and I don't have any serious health problems otherwise. But I'm certain less weight on my bones will be good for them, and keeping the ol' blood sugar lower is of course a good idea.
Here are my obstacles:
1) I love snacking. Snacking is life. More than that, I prefer sweet snacking. Candy, snack cakes, actual cake, doughnuts, ice cream, Pop Tarts - it's all fair game. And I don't have great snacking habits. I don't try to keep snacks out of my desk; I welcome then into my desk, and then later into my digestive system. I like salty snacks, too - chips, Chex Mix, Cheetos - but I lean toward the sweet. When we stop at a gas station while traveling, Tamara gets Funyuns; I get something chocolate-y.
This is particularly problematic with my diabetes. Like I said, my numbers are good and my blood sugar under control, but that doesn't justify my sweet tooth indulgences. It's very possibly an addiction. But even knowing that I can say for sure I will never swear off sweet things. I know I can cut back, but I will never stop.
Further: when I think about and even look into improving my snacking habits, I am bombarded by "more protein because it helps you feel more full" talk and I have NEVER experienced anything to convince me that's true for me. I've tried higher-protein snacks and they are just the same as other snacks in terms of fullness. So I feel like in my own particular case that's a falsehood and therefore becomes one more un-motivator.
2) I'm criminally lazy. I adore sitting or laying down for my hobbies and distractions of choice. I don't hate exercise but I don't really enjoy it. Maybe that's because I don't do it. I don't do it because I don't enjoy it, and I can never get to where I enjoy it because I don't do it. And in the rare case where I feel like I want to try to do it, maybe I get a few days in but then my arthritis flares up and makes it basically impossible to exercise and so I fall out of the budding habit before it really buds.
I'm able to get a minimal amount of exercise because Tamara makes me walk the dog 98% of the time. And in our new neighborhood it's harder to do shorter walks because landmarks like street corners or signs are farther away.
I tend to use weather as an excuse - it's too hot to be outside, I'll be better when it cools off, it's too cold outside - and we used our treadmill as a clothes rack for years. It's now sitting in our basement where, to be honest, it could very easily be used, but again - criminally lazy.
3) I do not enjoy vegetables. I will eat them. I will eat them and not gag. I will eat them and actually derive some measure of taste-enjoyment from eating them at times, but I do not enjoy them. The other day, Tamara made roasted cauliflower with an almond-scallion pesto on them and it was very tasty. But I do not enjoy vegetables, not the same way I enjoy meat and mashed potatoes and bread and dessert. So it's hard for me to incorporate them into my diet without Tamara's firm hand, because if it was up to me I'd never seek them out. I'm good enough to often order broccoli as a side when we eat out or make sure I eat a salad as part of my restaurant meal, but at home, forget about it. Vegetables are not a friend to me, even though I could arguably stuff myself on them and get better nutrition than a single candy bar.
4) This is so loaded with meanings, but I want to have my cake and eat it, too. I don't want to stop eating ice cream and snack cakes and cinnamon rolls and chocolate. I don't want to cut the amounts down at all because I love love LOVE them. I get real, tangible, actual joy eating my favorite foods. But I KNOW they're not helping me. And I want to live to a ripe old age and not deal with a million unnecessary health problems along the way. I've beaten myself up at times knowing my diabetes may have been preventable had I been better about my eating and snacking and exercise habits. I know I'm under control but that may not be the case even if I maintain a perfect status quo for the rest of my life.
And so I'm at an impasse. I want to eat and live better in the abstract, but I don't have the will strong enough right now to do so. I know that to exact real change, my will to change needs to overcome my desire to remain the same. That's not the case now, and I don't know when it might be.
So for now I take joy in the health I do have. I'll keep walking my dog twice a day, and maybe I'll start walking a little further or a little faster. And I'll keep eating my M&M's.
Now if you'll excuse me, I hear a Little Debbie Double Fudge Round calling.
Comments
And I am addicted to sugar/carbs. I love my breads. I love my ice cream. I don't want to give them up (unless they become poison, like gluten in Mom's case. Even then, I may just take the poison and love it anyway).
So I get it. I'm in that same boat. Maybe we can row together. (Though we'll probably just row to the nearest ice cream parlor/confectionary shop/bakery/grocery store, ha!)
(Side note: surprisingly, I have found lately that I am not eating quite as many sweets as I used to. Sometimes, especially if I really am just full, I can convince myself that I don't need dessert. Or, if I have eaten too many carbs for a meal, I sometimes feel guilty enough to pass on dessert. My willpower is still pretty dang weak, but not quite as weak as it once was. So maybe that's progress, I guess...?)