It's Not Wise to Upset a Wookie

If Han Solo's timeless maxim holds true, then Wicket W. Warwick should watch out. Of course, it's not like Han has anything to worry about - he wouldn't face the Wookie in question until the third round.

What? You're lost and have no idea what I'm talking about? Well, my apologies. I figured everyone was "in the know" about March Madness. No, not the basketball tournament. That's too ordinary. "Sweet Sixteen" this, "Elite Eight" that, blah blah blah. I'm talking about March Star Wars Madness.

It's a tradition as old as last week, when StarWars.com posted their bracket pitting 32 franchise characters against each other in the ultimate Star Wars nerd popularity contest. Many are favorites from the original trilogy; others are upstarts from the prequels or animated series. But all want the title. And all will disintegrate, blast or freeze in carbonite to get it.

The winners for this contest will be determined by popular vote, not by any real contest of skill or strength (good news for Wicket, Salacious and several others). But filling out brackets is fun, so that's what I, Dad, Sarah, Elise, Melanie and Sadie are doing. A smart strategy would be to try and pick what one thinks most people think (i.e. no one in their right mind would decide the people would pick Dengar over Boba Fett). Not me - I'm going with my heart and choosing the ones I like the best, even if it costs me victory.

First, the bracket in JPEG form (click here for a larger form if you can't enlarge the picture below):

Below, my "expert" picks (labeled so because I might be the only one who knows each of the characters on the bracket. That's no guarantee of victory, as the real March Madness is wont to show):

Round 1 - The Light Side
Han Solo vs. Lando Calrissian - Lando's alter ego hocked Colt .45 malt liquor. Han's alter ego beat scores of Nazis and Kali Ma/Thuggee assassins with naught but a bullwhip. No contest. My pick: Han Solo

Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Qui-Gon Jinn - In the battle of the hyphenated first name Jedi, Qui-Gon has the better hair, but Not-So-Gentle-When-It-Comes-to-Battle Ben Kenobi is a clear favorite. He can mimick a krayt dragon, for crying out loud. Your move, Qui-Gon. My pick: Obi-Wan Kenobi

Luke Skywalker vs. Wedge Antilles - Luke may have been born choking on a silver spoon of destiny, and sure, he's responsible for keeping a hokey religion alive, but has he taken on two Death Stars? Not hardly. It's a big upset bid, but I'm going with the Corellian. My pick: Wedge Antilles

Yoda vs. Mace Windu - Windu's best one-liner: "This party's over." Yoda's best one-liner: "When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not." About as one-sided as these match-ups get. My pick: Yoda

R2-D2 vs. C3PO - You would think a civilization that can create very human-like droids could make them more mobile. Threepio can at best move along at a slight shuffle; R2-D2 has rockets. Sorry, Threep - beeps and squeaks beat over 6 million forms of communication. My pick: R2-D2

Princess Leia vs. Queen Amidala - Amidala's got the looks, no doubt, and a much better wardrobe. But Leia's the original danish-headed royalty, and she doesn't turn into a simpering ninny when the love of her life becomes a shiny wall decoration. My pick: Princess Leia

Chewbacca vs. Wicket - This is a tough one, because Ewoks are awesome. They're just the best. But Chewie is awesome. And he can tear people's arms off. It's a close match, down to the buzzer, but the Wookie escapes with a win. My pick: Chewbacca

Ahsoka Tano vs. Captain Rex - Long story short, Ahsoka was Anakin Skywalker's Padawan during the Clone Wars. Rex was a clone commander during the Clone Wars. She's a Jedi, he's a clone. No contest. My pick: Ahsoka Tano

Round 1 - The Dark Side
Darth Vader vs. General Grievous - In the epic clash of the asthmatics, you pit the Dark Lord of the Sith against a cyborg who can wield 4 lightsabers at once. He can't wield them very well, since he lost two right off the bat against General Kenobi. Vader lost his limbs, was all "ain't no one got time for that," and almost took over the galaxy. My pick: Darth Vader

Darth Maul vs. Asajj Ventress - The silent killer against the bald witch promises to be a good match-up, but Darth Maul wields a double-bladed lightsaber like a boss and has much better face tattoos. My pick: Darth Maul

Jabba the Hutt vs. Salacious Crumb - My prediction for this match-up is that the little Kowakian monkey-lizard doesn't show up at all for his match against the giant slug. That's because he's currently pasted to the underside of Jabba's tail after the Hutt accidentally sat on him. My pick: Jabba the Hutt

Cad Bane vs. Hondo Ohnaka - Another duel between animated series characters. They're both bounty hunters, but Cad Bane has rocket boots. And a bad-mamma-jamma hat. Easy win. My pick: Cad Bane

Boba Fett vs. Dengar - About as lop-sided as it gets. Even with his back story changed and his out-of-nowhere South Pacific accent, the Mandalorian wannabe easily has what it takes to knock out the guy the the bandages, scarred face and really big gun. My pick: Boba Fett by as big a landslide as you can get.

Jango Fett vs. Bossk - Let me concede that Bossk's one line of dialogue - "Res Luk Ra'uf" - outstrip all of Jango's best attempts at wit: "Always a pleasure to meet a Jedi." But again, rocket pack and cool armor and this beauty. My pick: Jango Fett

Count Dooku vs. Grand Moff Tarkin - Another close one. If you take his Sith name - Darth Tyranus - Dooku could probably take this contest. But Tarkin's the cold-hearted cuss who took out a planet just to show off the ultimate power in the universe. That's mean, but kinda cool, too. My pick: Grand Moff Tarkin

Emperor Palpatine vs. IG-88 - One can shoot lightning from his hands, the other can't. Come on. My pick: Emperor Palpatine

So there's the first round for you. I wager I went chalk on most of them, meaning I picked the higher seeds to win. My big upset is Wedge Antilles - he's one of the best pilots there is, and I expect him to fly far.

Stay tuned for the rest of my picks, coming soon.