Battleship 2: The Fifth Ocean

Apparently, there are five oceans on the planet earth. I'd been told/taught all my life that there are four oceans: the Atlantic, Pacific, Indian and Arctic.

If Scholastic puts out a book about it, it's indubitably true.

Well, somewhere down the line, some schlup added the "Southern Ocean," loosely defined as the water surrounding Antarctica below the 60°S latitude. I first learned about this "fifth ocean" from a U.S. Navy commercial. I'm not bothered that I had to learn this from TV; I'm bothered by the presumption that one can simply redefine decades of doctrine by calling something "the Southern Ocean." It's almost as bad as NASA declaring Pluto "not a planet." Idiots.

Now, the only way to deal with this dire situation is to give it the movie treatment. This idea comes from the fantastic "AMNewser" community about which I have previously blogged. We all agreed (okay, a few of us) that the idea of a "fifth ocean" is dumb, and decided it was us against the Navy. Since it would be obviously futile to take on the world's most powerful water-based military force in real life, we decided to do it in movie form.

Not something you want to see coming at you on ANY day of the week.

Thus, I present to you: 

Battleship 2: The Fifth Ocean

"The Navy Controls the Missiles. They Control the Message."

Plot summary: While sifting through government budget proposals trying to find a story idea for his morning news show, intrepid TV news producer Steve notices a large monetary request by the U.S. Navy. Signed by Admiral Nance E. Graysux, it calls for an exorbitant amount of money to create a fifth oceanic battle group. Steve's eyebrows literally rise, since he knows there are only four oceans, thus precluding the need for a fifth battle group. He remarks on this anomaly to his AM Newser clan on Twitter, all of whom say they saw the same thing. All are suspicious.

After doing some digging and talking to his Washington news contact, Steve learns that the budget request is based on bogus research about a fictional "fifth ocean" around Antarctica. An anonymous source tells Steve the money is being used by Admiral Graysux for a secret naval base at which he is building his own fleet of super ships.

Surviving several attempts on his life, Steve rallies his AM Newser friends, who put the word out about the rogue admiral Graysux and his dastardly plot. The U.S. government sends its combined fleets to this fictional ocean to do battle with Graysux and his evil navy, with the AM Newsers along for the ride (because it makes sense for non-militarily trained newsies to go into battle). After a massive and earth-shattering confrontation, the U.S. Navy finds itself outgunned by Graysux' superior force. What can stop this madman who threatens the very fabric of peace, freedom and scientific fact?

SPOILER ALERT SINCE THIS MOVIE WILL LIKELY NEVER BE MADE!!!

Just as hope appears to be lost, the "cavalry" arrives: early risers in other countries, who avidly follow the Twitter-based goings on of the AM Newsers, have likewise rallied their governments to fight Admiral Graysux and restore the world to the comfort of knowing there are only four oceans.

Now, the cast. You know it's going to be an all-star cast, since star power always makes up for shoddy writing and directing. Just ask Michael Bay (He won't be directing, by the way. I hope to secure Spielberg or Christopher Nolan).

Denzel Washington as Steve, the AM producer stuck in the Midwest until the Graysux conspiracy launches him into a global search for truth

Ryan Reynolds as Ben, an overnight producer in the Northeast who is obsessed with the Toronto Blue Jays

Robert Downey, Jr. as Seth, Ben's professional rival and avid follower of all Gary Cooper movies

 

Liza Minelli will act as understudy to Mr. Downey, Jr.

Jason Statham as Blaine, a morning show anchor on the East Coast who wishes he never would have left the SAS for a cushy desk job

 Anne Hathaway as Jen, a producer stuck in the pit of Kansas who dreams of one day making it to Broadway and starring with Neil Patrick Harris on Broadway

 Halle Berry as Amy, another Kansas producer and friend to Jen despite the years-long feud between their news stations. She collects salamanders and salamander merchandise.

Ryan Gosling as Ryan, a Texas-based producer who has a pet armadillo and has won "Best Abs in the Lone Star State" seven years running

Neil Patrick Harris as Troy, the Kansas City producer whose penchant for pointing out others' grammatical mistakes plays a key role in how the plot unfolds

Don Johnson (Miami Vice era) as Elliott, who we can only assume has as awesome a head of hair in real life

 Michelle Pfeiffer as Michelle, the often cranky but ultimately kind-hearted morning anchor notorious for her new-colon-ripping e-mails to moronic co-workers

Alec Baldwin as Ron, Michelle's co-anchor who diffuses tension over the aforementioned moronic co-workers with frequent off-camera song and dance numbers

Steve Carrell as Jay, a reporter stuck in rural Missouri who loves "your mom" jokes and Old Crow whiskey

Paul Rudd as Josh, the movie's token Jew. another former college colleague of Steve's and comedic foil to Jay

 

Reese Witherspoon as Megan, Steve's friend/professional rival who would always look impeccable on air but for the bits of green salad she always gets stuck between her teeth that no one ever points out

 

Sean Connery as Adm. Nance E. Graysux, megalomaniac obsessed by his dogmatic views about a "fifth ocean," eats only bok-choy salads and combs his beard with a puffer fish

Samuel L. Jackson as "Abyssal Gullet," Steve's secret source inside the U.S. government

Morgan Freeman as the Narrator/Steve in Later Years (spoiler alert: I survive)

There you have it. "Battleship 2: The Fifth Ocean."

I can already smell the polish rag used to clean the Oscars this baby's gonna get me.