Classic Comedy

I've recently taken an interest in the comical quips of Steven Wright, the comedian famous for his one-liners and dead-pan delivery (I used one of his lines for my blog's new title). He's as funny as Jack Handy, and a lot funnier than most contemporary comedians. Here are some examples:

If you are in a spaceship that istraveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stayr ight up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time togo to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the endof tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats onthem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.