Gotta Love Sports!

Yes, this post is about sports. No, you can't skip over it. Yes, you have to read it. No, you can't close your eyes and "absorb" it through osmosis. If high school and college taught me one thing, it's that the "osmosis" learning theory is a hoax.

I'd like to offer humorous highlights from an article on ESPN. It's called "The Eighth Annual Year That Wasn't Column," by Jim Caple, one of ESPN's more amusing writers. To truly appreciate the scope of these twists on real events, you'd have to follow sports and/or the news. So this is really for Jeff, Dad, and Joe. But others may appreciate it as well. Here are some of my favorites, with illustrations courtesy of Google Image Search.

Jan. 21: It's a mixed day for Bill Belichick. On the one hand, New England blows a 10-point lead and loses the AFC Championship Game to Indianapolis. On the other hand, a Congressional oversight committee determines that the Patriot Act gives the coach the right to wiretap opposing coaches without a warrant.

Feb. 18: Pitchers, catchers and chemists report to spring training.

April 24: Michael Vick's career is placed in serious jeopardy after that shady new competitor in a trench coat at his Bad Newz Kennels turns out to be undercover agent McGruff the Crime Dog, who busts the whole ring.

May 6: Roger Clemens ends months of speculation by announcing his steroid and HGH shipments will be delivered to the Yankees' clubhouse.

Aug. 9: David Beckham finally turns American women (and gay men) into passionate soccer fans when he poses in his underwear for Armani.

Aug. 10: George Mitchell announces that he is expanding his probe to investigate Beckham's underwear for artificial enhancers.

Sept. 12: After the New York Jets report him for violating the league mandate against taping defensive signals, New England coach Bill Belichick says that he's put the entire episode behind him and is focused on the Patriots' next game when he will demonstrate the firepower of his fully armed and operational battle station on the planet of Endor.

Sept. 14: After breaking down the door of a Las Vegas hotel suite only to discover that Nicole's real murderer has once again given him the slip, O.J. Simpson is so angered that he steals back all the baseball cards his mother threw away when he was a kid.

Sept. 30: The Mets blow a seven-game lead in the NL East when they lose 21 of their final 22 games, all of them to the Colorado Rockies.

Oct. 5: Cleveland successfully introduces its newest promotion: "Midge Night" in which all Yankees relievers age 22 and under receive 100,000 free midges.

Oct. 21: Despite a six-touchdown lead in the fourth quarter against Washington, Bill Belichick keeps his starters in the game, then cripples coach Joe Gibbs with force lightning and seals him in carbonite for transport back to Tatooine.

Nov. 18: In a battle of unbeatens, the Colts blow a 10-point fourth quarter lead and lose to the Patriots when Belichick's deflector shield, sadly, proves to be quite operational.

Dec. 10: Having shrewdly scheduled absolutely no games whatsoever on its schedule, undefeated Ohio State receives a bid to lose in the BCS Championship Game to Appalachian State.

Dec. 31: New York's traditional calendar-ending celebration is cancelled after Jonathan Papelbon's dog eats the Times Square ball, George Mitchell expands his investigation to include the Bad News Bears due to "reports of acne," and the New Year's Baby, already whining that the Red Sox haven't won the World Series in his lifetime, takes the advice of agent Scott Boras and abruptly opts out of 2008.

Happy 2008, sports fans!